By Aung Zaw
Source : The Irrawaddy

August 19, 2002
Job Title: UN Special Envoy to Burma
Age, Ethnicity and Gender
Age: 55+

Ethnicity: Not tremendously important, however, it would be advantageous if the applicant is of Asian descent, and can shore up Asian solidarity and promote "Asian values".

Gender: Males are preferred, as the generals in Rangoon may become irritated if they have to deal with a female counterpart.

Skills, Qualifications and Expectations

Excellent diplomatic skills a must.

Capacity to maintain your "optimism" at all times, and more importantly, the ability to tirelessly inform journalists, foreign diplomats and whoever else you may encounter, of your optimism concerning Burma's political situation.

Whenever you visit Burma, keep in mind that "significant progress" is taking place, no matter how many political prisoners are languishing in jail or dying in detention. It really does not concern you.

Desire to attend functions hosted by the military regime and their business contacts in Rangoon, as well as the overall skills required to mingle with Rangoon's high-society. [Note: Keep in mind that you and your entourage will continually be expected to attend galas hosted by the generals. So be nice to them and tell them to "take it easy" and "chill out" and "go slow".]

Ability to visit Burma whenever possible. [Note: The military junta will release 10 or 15 political prisoners each time you visit the country; therefore, weekly visits for the next three years are encouraged.]

Willingness to travel extensively, especially to donor countries such as Japan, is a must. It will also be necessary for you to persuasively convey the view that aid should be resumed to Burma, because Burma's leaders are dedicated to the nation-building process. Also, when speaking with Japanese Prime Minster Koizumi, an emphasis must be placed on Burma’s "future prospects" and "the necessity that Japan continues to bring reform and change to Burma".

Keep your head up. Do not feel bad about speaking on behalf of a repressive government; that is part of your duty. Do try to remember, however, that you are also supposed to be working for the Burmese people.

Regarding Conflicts of Interest

If for some reason the press were to find out that you owned or had a share in a company that was involved in business dealings with Burma's military government, simply tell the press: "I’m disciplined enough, I think I have enough integrity to be able to deal with whatever my responsibilities are and whatever my business commitments are quite separately."

If negative reports about you surface, tell these journalists that despite your company being involved with the regime, you have not negotiated these deals yourself, therefore, no conflict of interest has occurred. But don’t worry too much about this: If you find yourself in trouble, the UN will rescue you.

A UN spokesperson will issue a prepared statement reading: "There is no conflict of interest." And remember the UN does not carry any restrictions on business activities, so you are not in violation of the UN mandate. So feel free to establish business ties with the generals and to bring more business from your country; after all, you are there to help Burma. And if the leader of your country is interested in doing business as well, bring him, too.

While in Rangoon, propose business ideas, like the installation of a high tech e-passport system, which Burma’s much wealthier neighboring countries cannot even afford. Tell the generals that by installing this system, they will no longer need to rely on archaic intelligence-gathering methods.

Ethnic Minority Briefing

Ignore ethnic leaders such as U Khun Htun Oo and U Aye Thar Aung. Do not read reports published by Shan human rights groups. They are baseless. The real story is that Burmese soldiers treat ethnic Shan women with passion and love.

Again be careful of U Khun Htun Oo! He will present a false picture of the country's ongoing reconciliation process. He will tell foreign news outlets that the UN envoy lacks an understanding of the conflicts in Burma. Just look the other way when he says the Burmese people do not share your optimism.

Same goes for U Aye Thar Aung. He was recently released from prison. Remember that he is a troublemaker. He has cancer, and he claimed that he received no medical treatment while in prison. Government spokesperson Col Hla Min said his government provided medical treatment. U Aye Thar Aung said he was released because authorities did not want him to die in prison. Don’t believe him; remember nobody dies in prison. Stick to Col Hla Min’s press statement.

Dealing With the Press

Journalists must be told the "political process in Myanmar is moving forward". It is also imperative after visiting Burma that you again inform journalists that you are returning, because you have to "get things moving". We understand that you may become frustrated, but you must not show your feelings to the press. However, you are allowed to complain in private company.

The most important thing is that you maintain that the talks are "moving quite satisfactorily", even when you know that dialogue between the opposition and the military is non-existent. But never look the press in the eye; they are dangerous and may find out that you are lying.

You will need to have a firm grasp on how to counter negative press reports on Burma and your mission. Journalists who have been reporting on Burma know nothing, and they just pretend to understand the situation. If you become depressed over the situation in Burma, please read Ross Dunkley’s Myanmar Times. This will help you to convince yourself that Burma has achieved "progress" and is "making significant political breakthroughs" so that you may more easily convince others.

Final Thoughts

Do not worry. Always be confident, and when in doubt, smile. The generals love smiles.

Please submit your resume, with a cover letter headed "Bogus UN Envoy Job Offer", to Aung Zaw, c/o Irrawaddy newsmagazine. We ask that all resumes be sent as soon as possible, as we are expecting many to apply for this position. See you in Myanmar!